Fear

This post is hard today.  The thoughts that have been most present in my mind have come from my therapist asking me to step back and look at my triggers (when they happen) and try to relate them to the abuse I grew up with. I am to look at the connections and not assign blame but try to figure out ways to re-route my reactions or actions in my brain.

This process is not easy, far from it.  I am having to learn to accept that what I experienced as a child is a form of abuse. It’s not physical which makes it harder to spot.  I am an only child so there really was no one to witness it. I spent years thinking that I was intelligent because I didn’t follow the path that my father laid out in front of me.

Why am I telling you this?

As I sit down to write this post I have quit my job in a cafe and I am starting to work from home for myself.  I am full of fear about being a burden to my partner Gray.  I am terrified of failing.  I am doing the thing I was brought up to believe was not the “smart” thing.

Where does this fear come from?  Thanks to my therapist and cognitive behavioral therapy I am beginning to see the effects of the behavior modeled by my parents in my thinking process.

All I can do is get up every morning and remind myself that I am not what my fears make me.  I have the love and support of my partners and friends and I have the strength of my own abilities to create new ways of thinking.

“Do not confuse my bad days as a sign of weakness. Those are actually the days I am fighting my hardest.”  -Unknown