The Freedom and the Folly

I realized it had been a few weeks since I posted.

I want to talk openly about what has been going on.  I am going to ask first though that you check this definition for dysthymia.

Now that you’ve done that let me explain why.  About eighteen months ago I was formally diagnosed with dysthymia and bouts of what is known as double depression.  This means that along with the dysthymia I would suffer with times of deep depressive episodes.  Sounds like fun right?

If you read my partner’s blog: lovelifepractice.com you’ll know what’s coming next.  If you don’t then I will tell you.  A couple of months ago my therapist removed the diagnosis of dysthymia. This means that after nearly a decade possibly two from what we can tell I am no longer suffering my depression on a constant basis. You dear reader are sitting there thinking “how wonderful” I suspect.

Yes, it is wonderful. It is also scary as hell.  I essentially have to navigate what it feels like to be happy.  A feeling I am not at all used to.  If you suffer from depression you understand extremes in emotions.  It is a very uncomfortable feeling to go along in a day a experience what I would describe as an emotional plateau. I have to remind myself that this is “normal” non-depressive feelings.  That the extreme emotions I was feeling before had to do with my old neural pathways.  That, in reality, the other shoe is not about to drop.

That is the freedom, really, it is. What is the folly?  That comes from also remembering that I have a chronic illness. The dysthymia may have been removed from my diagnosis but I still battle with depression.  I probably always will.  That the old neural pathways are always going to be there and that I have to train my mind to follow the new ones.  I had to remind myself and my partner that there will probably still be bad days.  Admittedly, we are better equipped to deal with them now.  That helps. I wish I could tell the people that love me and that have been on this journey with me that it is over.  I can’t but what I can do is remember to say “THANK YOU”  and I love you.  I know it is not always easy to love me or understand.  To my partner,Gray, I love you more everyday, more than I ever thought possible.  Thank you for your strength, your bravery, and your compassion.

To the rest of you, please keep fighting for yourself and those whom you love.  It can be a dark and tiresome journey but it is definitely worth it.

Fear

This post is hard today.  The thoughts that have been most present in my mind have come from my therapist asking me to step back and look at my triggers (when they happen) and try to relate them to the abuse I grew up with. I am to look at the connections and not assign blame but try to figure out ways to re-route my reactions or actions in my brain.

This process is not easy, far from it.  I am having to learn to accept that what I experienced as a child is a form of abuse. It’s not physical which makes it harder to spot.  I am an only child so there really was no one to witness it. I spent years thinking that I was intelligent because I didn’t follow the path that my father laid out in front of me.

Why am I telling you this?

As I sit down to write this post I have quit my job in a cafe and I am starting to work from home for myself.  I am full of fear about being a burden to my partner Gray.  I am terrified of failing.  I am doing the thing I was brought up to believe was not the “smart” thing.

Where does this fear come from?  Thanks to my therapist and cognitive behavioral therapy I am beginning to see the effects of the behavior modeled by my parents in my thinking process.

All I can do is get up every morning and remind myself that I am not what my fears make me.  I have the love and support of my partners and friends and I have the strength of my own abilities to create new ways of thinking.

“Do not confuse my bad days as a sign of weakness. Those are actually the days I am fighting my hardest.”  -Unknown